an incredibly sensitive instrument

05/11/2025 5:13 pm

i haven't updated my blog in six months. the reason why is that i've been having an incredibly difficult time lately. & i don't know how to talk about it, because it's incredibly serious & a legal matter now. last summer, my boyfriend & i moved to Chicago from southern Indiana for a business venture. i had invested $30,000 of my inheritance into a store with the understanding that i was a co-owner. my boyfriend also invested, and signed an employment contract. some seriously concerning issues came to a head in December, all trust in my former business partner was irrevocably shattered, & we hired a lawyer. by late February, we came to a settlement agreement to get our money back. that's about all i feel comfortable saying about the business side of the situation.

what i do feel comfortable speaking more at length on is the emotional impact this has had on me. it's been a pretty traumatizing situation & a lot of the work i had put into healing from my fathers death in 2022 was undone by this lifechanging event. the money i put into this venture was left to me by my dad. this situation has been unspeakably painful, & holding down the line for so long-- with the knowledge that i will most likely have to continue holding down the line-- has taken a lot out of me.

so yeah, things have been pretty bad in my life for a while. the good news is that i feel even stronger than i have ever felt in my life. i have been doing a lot of emotional & spiritual healing these last few months. i got back into reading my tarot cards, which was one of my many hobbies that got disrupted from our move to Chicago. i've gotten way better at memorizing the meanings of a lot of the cards now, & i've started doing readings for other people. it's been a rewarding experience, but i think i will mostly keep to doing readings for myself. learning how to hone my intuition through the cards has bene helping me understand a lot of things about myself. a lot of painful things. like it sucks that my cards are always like, "you carry deep pain inside you" all of the time like i don't fuckin know that. but i've also learned from the cards that it's my pain that's made me so spiritually strong.

my backbone is made of steel. it was forged in the flames of everything i've fought like hell to survive. & i will emerge out the other side of this mess just like i have again & again.

i walk in truth.
i do not flinch.
i am whole.

i think it is important to know when to be Strong. there are a lot of people who benefit when you're willing to roll over & make nice just to keep the peace. for example, fascists. not to be like, political or anything, but i am not a big fan of the whole Elon-Musk-DOGE-coup-de-tat thingy that's happened recently. and i am certainly not a fan of the news stories of civilians getting kidnapped in masked plainclothes gestapo & whisked to different states. today, i read Mahmoud Khalil's letter to his son who was born while he was wrongfully held in a detention center. but i also read in the news about Rümeysa Öztürk being returned to her home & her family.

i am worried a lot about the United States & the World. there are a lot of things i have been learning to accept. like that one magnet my aunt used to have, the Serenity Prayer. "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, & the wisdom to know the difference." i have been trying really hard to not give into despair about the State of the World or all of the sad stuff in my life. i have been trying really hard to focus on my Wisdom to Know the Difference.

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